Marlon Brando Killed By Black Hole

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Marlon Brando Killed By Black Hole; Los Angeles County Threatened


July 1, 2004


Los Angeles, California (Dis-Associated Press) — After consuming nothing but McDonald's Quarter Pounder Combo Meals for nine straight weeks, Academy Award-winning legendary actor, Marlon Brando was swallowed late Thursday night by a black hole that formed in his ass. 

Biophysicists at the U.C.L.A. Center for Advanced Research concluded that the suspect - a high-calorie bolus, composed of vast quantities of deep fried starches, high-fructose corn syrup and Grade D meat byproducts - developed such a heavy molecular density as it traveled down the length of his digestive tract that it collapsed into itself and created a miniature black hole in his rectum. 

Acting quickly, members of the scientific community coordinated with members of the L.A.P.D., the National Guard and the National Association of Real Estate Professionals to cordon-off Mr. Brando's ass and to establish his inseam as the event horizon after an entire housing subdivision of suburban Los Angeles was swallowed by the sucking vortex. "At first we were concerned that Thousand Oaks would be next," said Sheriff's Deputy, Hector Csongolasz, "but then we remembered that it was a part of Ventura County and full of Republicans, so everything's chill." 

Later that evening, Mr. Brando was finally claimed by the same black hole which threatened the safety and rising real estate values of so many Angelinos, thus concluding one of Hollywood's most brilliant, but eccentric, acting careers.   

Mr. Brando's personal physician, Dr. Roderick Billingsworth commented on the tragedy: "This is all my fault. If I hadn't installed that security lock with a retinal scan on his refrigerator he wouldn't have made that run for the Golden Arches. I can only imagine what kind of merry hell this played on his enlarged prostate. And that's not even mentioning what a singularity can do to your hemorrhoids."
 

Copyright © 2004 Curt C. Chiarelli

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Chronorin's avatar
Well, that's something i'd certainly like to avoid.